So your friend/partner/family member has BPD...

One thing that consistently comes up with Borderline Personality Disorder is relationships. That is, people with BPD are so difficult to be friends with. Or it’s really hard on a family when someone has BPD. Or people with BPD can never have meaningful relationships. I’m here to tell you that although relationships can sometimes be hard, it is possible to have good relationships when diagnosed with BPD!

Why are relationships difficult when BPD is involved?

BPD sufferers often have a deep fear of abandonment. This means that they are likely to be very clingy until they sense that you are going to leave. When they think you will leave, they will start to withdraw and leave first to avoid abandonment. I’ve seen it in movies a lot – girl hears that guy is going to dump her so dumps him first. It is a way to gain back some control, to avoid getting hurt. But, sometimes the sense of someone leaving is wrong. They were never going to dump her and now she’s lost the relationship just to avoid being left.

Certain behaviours can make you think that that those with BPD are horrible people. This includes things like manipulation and attention seeking. With BPD, manipulation is often used to get a need met. People remain unaware that there better ways to get a need met so resort to manipulation, often not realising that they are doing it. Attention seeking is common; it is often a cry for help or a desperate attempt to get someone to pay attention. For me, I often look for attention when I feel unloved or unheard. Making me feel loved and heard counters the need for destructive, attention seeking behaviour.

There are people who really love the intensity of emotions from people with BPD. My partner loves how passionate I get and how much I care about other people. However, it is understandable that this intensity is not comfortable for everyone. If I am your friend, I will constantly tell you I love you and I will worry about you and want to spend a lot of time with you. This is common with BPD. Therefore, if you feel like this would be too much for you and you like your friends more aloof and less emotional then BPD friendships probably aren’t going to be suited to you.

If you are finding it difficult to be in any sort of relationship with someone who has BPD then here’s some advice:

• Reassure them. Tell them that you are not going to leave them even if things get difficult.
• Do not make false promises. Never ever do this. Breaking a promise is never a good thing but when someone is particularly insecure then it can be very damaging.
• Talk to them. It is common for people with mental illnesses to isolate themselves; sometimes just a text letting someone know you are thinking of them will make so much difference.
• Do not make plans with all your friends and exclude someone, even if it unintentional, it is still hurtful. When you have BPD and you feel excluded, your mind enters the ‘everyone hates me, no one wants me around, I might as well be dead’ state which is never fun. Invite them to events, even if you think they’ll say no. Being invited to things is nice and reinstates the thought that you want someone around.
• Do not let them push you away. “I hate you, please don’t leave” is a common BPD trait. This means that I will probably tell you that I hate you and I’m doing it to test our relationship. If you stay despite me being awful then all is well but if you leave then you were just like everybody else who left before. I am not excusing being mean to people/testing people’s patience in this way however, if you understand the thinking behind it then it softens the blow.
• Be open and honest. Lying does not sit well with BPD. Finding out you have lied is horrible and for me, it makes me start questioning everything about you.
• Learn all you can about BPD, ask questions about it, try to understand it as much as possible. This means a lot with any mental illness. Showing that you care enough to go and find out about it is important and it will be useful for you.
• I have already mentioned this but again, reassurance is so helpful. Tell them you love them and that you care about them, that you are here to stay. It is all nice for anyone to hear but more so when you feel like you are inherently unlovable.
• If you believe that you cannot deal with the intensity of a person with BPD among other things, then do not enter a relationship with them. Do not become their friend or partner if you know that you will find it difficult. It will be much easier to have someone walk away early on. Going into a relationship knowing you will eventually leave is unfair.

A lot of this might seem obvious. However, they are all things that are commonly forgotten about in relationships and make a huge difference if someone has BPD. It can take more work when BPD is involved, but all relationships require some effort from those involved. If you are willing to do small things like offer reassurance and send a message every other day then a relationship involving BPD can be just as wonderful as any other.

Everyone is different, these things help me but ask the person with BPD what specifically helps them. Communicate your worries, be open.

We're in a relationship so I have to have sex with him, right?

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE

Cases of rape are well documented, the issue is one which the public is aware of. What many people seem unaware of is that rape can also occur within relationships. It is not limited to a stranger attacking someone on the streets or at a party. Rape in relationships is a very real and very big problem.

The main issue here is that people see sex in relationships as always consenting and mutual. This is not always the case. We all have a right to say 'no' to sex even if we are in a relationship with the other person. If said person ignores this and the sex is not 100% consensual then this is rape. It does not have to be a stranger, it can be a partner or someone you already know.

Rape within relationships is clearly recognised by the law but many people fail to see it as a problem. We cannot assume that because someone has committed to a relationship with someone else that they then want sex every time the other person does. 

Perhaps the rape is not particularly violent. In relationships, it is often the case that emotional manipulation is used when the other person does not want sex. For example, the person might threaten to leave if they do not have sex with them. Marrying or being with someone else does not mean that people give up the right to say no!

Women, especially, can often feel obligated to have sex with a partner. They might feel that they have a responsibility to have sex with them if they want a good relationship so let it happen when they do not really want it. It's a scary thought but it's true. I know feminists who have done this, they can say no but they feel a huge pressure to go along with it anyway. This is why we need to be aware of the possibility of rape in relationships, why we need to understand consent and we need to teach everyone that they should never have sex if they do not want to.

The huge problem here is those who are raped by a partner are less likely to report it than if it were a stranger. There is still an idea that marriage/relationships mean that partners have an entitlement to sex, this is not true!

It's all pretty simple. Without consent, there should be no sexual activity. So what counts as consent? It can be defined as 'free agreement.' Someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot consent. Saying yes due to a threat is not consent. If the person is incapable of giving consent for any reason, this does not equate to actual consent. If someone decides that they wish to withdraw their consent and ask you to stop but you do not, that is rape. If the consent is not decided by the individual without any pressure then it does not count.

So just remember that rape can occur within relationships as well as outside of them. It can be truly awful because this is often someone that you thought cared about/loved you. And know that even in a relationship, we always have the right to say no.

BPD and relationships

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, we've just moved in together and are very happy. Our relationship didn't start in a conventional way... I was in an episode of mania due to a screw up with medication dosage and he was off his medication. So it was a bit of a whirlwind. But it settled and although our relationship is not perfect, we're very much in love and happy. I'm not just writing this to make all you singletons feel bad! I'm writing this because my boyfriend also has Borderline Personality Disorder and this is often said to make relationships difficult. I want to give an example of someone with BPD who is in a healthy relationship to show that if someone you like has this illness, it can work!

What exactly is BPD? Well, it's a mental illness with a wide range of symptoms. It's a mood disorder which also affects how someone interacts with others. Some symptoms include feelings of anxiety, depression and anger. Those with BPD often abuse drugs or alcohol or use self harm to manage their feelings. BPD sufferers can also experience hallucinations and hearing voices. It often results in impulsive behaviour such as self harm or binge drinking. So it's a lot of horrible stuff that those dealing with BPD have to cope with. I am going to focus on relationships here though.

BPD can often make it difficult for a person to maintain a relationship. Those diagnosed sometimes have a deep fear of abandonment so they will appear to be very clingy, perhaps they will constantly phone you or not want to leave your side. Those with BPD tend to experience moments of 'leave me alone' towards their partner followed by 'please don't leave me.' People with BPD have very black and white thinking, there is no grey area to them. Either a relationship is wonderful and perfect or it is terrible and will fall apart.

All of this unfortunately can lead to break ups and there are many comments across the internet warning people not to start relationships with someone who has BPD. However, relationships with a BPD sufferer can still be great! How is this? Well, it takes a lot of work but here's some advice:

1. Understand the condition.
Learn to identify the symptoms in your partner. Know everything you can about BPD, its causes and treatments. The internet is full of information and if in doubt, talk to your partner about it. But, do not constantly remind them of their problems. They are aware of them and think about them every day. Do not point out every time they act in a way that reflects their BPD.

2. Encourage your partner to get treatment.
If they are not already, treatment will be necessary for them to live a fulfilled life. Go with them to the doctor, be there every step of the way. Medication or therapy, just reassure them that you will be there to help. With treatment, their condition will be easier to manage and so will your relationship.

3. Tell them you love them every day.
People with BPD often need a lot of reassurance. Something as simple as 'I love you' could calm their fears that you are going to leave them.

4. Know that sometimes they do not mean what they do/say.
This is the case with many mental illnesses. A person is more than their mental illness, much more. But sometimes their illness might take over and someone with BPD could, for example, be quite aggressive when shouting at you. They will feel terrible afterwards. Accept that it is not their fault, talk through it and move on.

5. Talk to them and be honest.
Communication is so important with BPD. Letting a partner know how you are, that you care about them etc is important in any relationship but particularly those with BPD. They may often feel worried and anxious that the relationship is going badly, talk things through with them no matter how difficult it might be to understand. If they have done something to upset you, do not just tell them it's okay because they have mental health issues. Be honest with them about it. That will help them learn what others see as right/wrong.

6. Keep your promises.
If you tell them you will do something or be somewhere then do it! If you don't, that person will find if difficult to trust you in the future. A lot of mentally unwell people are like this but it is more extreme for those with BPD.

7. Let them be an adult.
Many symptoms of BPD like anger fits and acting impulsively may seem quite child like. However, you should not make the mistake of treating them like a child. They are still responsible for their actions even if it was their BPD symptoms taking over. If they smash a door, they sort it out. If you always fix things like a parent/child then they will not see a reason to change.

Also, there are some great things about having a partner with BPD:

• They can love fiercely and completely
• They are passionate
• They have been through difficulties so will understand yours

Basically, it is possible for someone with BPD to have a good relationship! Do not think that because the internet is full of horror stories that your experience will be the same. It could be amazing. We should not be teaching people to avoid relationships or friendships with those suffering from mental health problems. Relationships are something which both people have to work on together. This is just advice for anyone who is in a relationship with a BPD sufferer to let you know it does not always have to be bad. Mentally ill or not, those in relationships of any kind deserve mutual love, care and respect.