We're in a relationship so I have to have sex with him, right?

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE

Cases of rape are well documented, the issue is one which the public is aware of. What many people seem unaware of is that rape can also occur within relationships. It is not limited to a stranger attacking someone on the streets or at a party. Rape in relationships is a very real and very big problem.

The main issue here is that people see sex in relationships as always consenting and mutual. This is not always the case. We all have a right to say 'no' to sex even if we are in a relationship with the other person. If said person ignores this and the sex is not 100% consensual then this is rape. It does not have to be a stranger, it can be a partner or someone you already know.

Rape within relationships is clearly recognised by the law but many people fail to see it as a problem. We cannot assume that because someone has committed to a relationship with someone else that they then want sex every time the other person does. 

Perhaps the rape is not particularly violent. In relationships, it is often the case that emotional manipulation is used when the other person does not want sex. For example, the person might threaten to leave if they do not have sex with them. Marrying or being with someone else does not mean that people give up the right to say no!

Women, especially, can often feel obligated to have sex with a partner. They might feel that they have a responsibility to have sex with them if they want a good relationship so let it happen when they do not really want it. It's a scary thought but it's true. I know feminists who have done this, they can say no but they feel a huge pressure to go along with it anyway. This is why we need to be aware of the possibility of rape in relationships, why we need to understand consent and we need to teach everyone that they should never have sex if they do not want to.

The huge problem here is those who are raped by a partner are less likely to report it than if it were a stranger. There is still an idea that marriage/relationships mean that partners have an entitlement to sex, this is not true!

It's all pretty simple. Without consent, there should be no sexual activity. So what counts as consent? It can be defined as 'free agreement.' Someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot consent. Saying yes due to a threat is not consent. If the person is incapable of giving consent for any reason, this does not equate to actual consent. If someone decides that they wish to withdraw their consent and ask you to stop but you do not, that is rape. If the consent is not decided by the individual without any pressure then it does not count.

So just remember that rape can occur within relationships as well as outside of them. It can be truly awful because this is often someone that you thought cared about/loved you. And know that even in a relationship, we always have the right to say no.

I saw red when I watched 'Seeing Red'

I've recently been watching the much loved tv show 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' It's been constantly recommended to me and I have reached the end of season 6 now and the show is much better than I ever anticipated. I love the characters, the stories, the twists, the drama and comedy of it. But, there's one episode that has made me so uncomfortable and angry at Joss Whedon.

Warning: spoilers! Triggers for mentions of rape.

If you've watched Buffy then you'll understand all of this. If not, it might be interesting and a warning to you about how much you might dislike this episode. 'Seeing Red' is episode 19 of season 6. There's been this whole drama surrounding Spike and Buffy's "relationship" with them sleeping together and him being in love with her, Buffy claiming that she was just using him to deal with her other issues. In short, their "relationship" is a mess.

I'd always liked Spike. He was always a funny character despite his whole being a vampire thing which was great. I thought it was sweet at first that he was in love with Buffy. I wanted it to work. Then he got obsessive and it was just a bit creepy. But, I dealt with it. Vampire/slayer flings aren't exactly new to the show!

This was until the scene in "Seeing Red" when Spike attempts to rape Buffy on her bathroom floor. Yes, scenes that deal with rape are supposed to be uncomfortable to watch. I understand that. However, I was so angry about it because it was a shock, it was unexpected. Sure I expected Spike to do something evil after Buffy continuously rejected him but not this!

Not only was it shocking, it was totally unnecessary. I know that Whedon wanted to add more development for Spike's character but surely there are other ways to do this...

What I find most disturbing is that, from what I've read, the series continues focusing on Spike's struggles to come to terms with what he did. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. Buffy has dealt with a lot of trauma so she can deal with this and does. But, I do not give a fuck how Spike feels. I do not care about his guilt. He should be feeling guilty, he should be in pain and regret what he has done for the rest of his 'life.' Why does Whedon insist on making the audience see this from the perspective of someone who attempted to rape someone?! It's not okay.

I dread to think what is going to happen next. I worry that Buffy and Spike will reconcile in some twisted turn of events. Buffy's character deserves time given to her healing after this event but Spike's does not.

Apologies if this is all rambling, I am just horrified by this episode and it's making it very difficulty for me to continue watching a show that I really enjoyed.

Why your 'jokes' can be dangerous...

TRIGGERS FOR MENTION OF RAPE

We've probably all heard the 'jokes' about rape or the use of the word rape in a joking context. I think it's fair to say that everyone knows they can be offensive. But, they can also be pretty dangerous even though it's often passed off as 'harmless.'

Picture this. You're out with a group of friends. Laughing and chatting, having a good time.  Someone makes a joke about rape. There's some laughter and the conversation continues. Think about who might have heard this. You might now know it but one of those people could have been a victim of rape. It's not unimaginable, rape victims often won't tell anyone through shame. In the UK, 85 000 women are reported to have been rape every year. How do you think they feel about that joke? About that laughing? Probably scared and uncomfortable. It could trigger horrible memories of that incident for them.

It's not so funny now, is it?

On top of this, another listener could very well be a potential rapist. Do you know what this joke and the response to it says to them? That rape is okay. That the idea of it is something to be laughed at. They might even think that those laughing about it condone rape. Those jokes normalise a very serious issue. I know you're thinking that you do not know any potential rapists but you can never be 100% certain! Is it really worth the risk?

Telling rape 'jokes' and laughing at them makes a serious and difficult issue appear trivial and funny. That's not okay. It's the same with other 'jokes' about serious issues, they should not be trivialised in this way when they impact so negatively on so many lives.

Rape jokes are dangerous. Next time a friend makes a joke about rape, do not laugh. They are not funny. Do you really want a potential rapist thinking that rape is acceptable? Do you really want to bring up painful memories for a victim? Any decent human being would say no so be decent and tell people to stop this.