Last week I finished my internship and for the first time in my life I have no idea what is coming next. I had school then sixth form then uni then internship and now - nothing is certain. I've been applying for jobs and have a couple of interviews lined up but it's all got me thinking about my mental health.
As far as I'm concerned, the reason my mental health was under control (well enough for me to complete my work) during education was because I was kept busy. However, I could always guarantee that when half term would come around and I finished any work I had, my mental health would rapidly decline. So as you can probably guess, my mental health has rapidly got worse over the past week because all I've had to do is look for jobs.
Now yes, that does take a lot of time and thinking. But it's something I can do whenever I feel like it, I have no obligation to do it at set times of day, I have nobody to answer to. This type of 'work' is not enough to keep my mind busy enough to keep sane! The only thing that is enough of a distraction is work that I must do to earn money or make progress in some big way.
In short, unemployment = worsening mental health issues because of no distractions, feeling you are not good enough for any jobs etc.
So to cope, I often work crazy hard to keep my depression/ED/anxiety at bay. Yet I have recently come to realise that although this does work for me and means that I am productive and seem like I am functioning well, I am not coping. I am not dealing with any of my mental health issues, I am just avoiding them and doing all I can to keep them in a place where they will not interfere too much. I feel a lot of people do this. Use x or y as a distraction and continue with their lives not feeling the intensity of their problems until they stop.
Unfortunately, this means I do not like to take breaks even though everyone needs them. Breaks are just another way for my head to think too much. I do know that I need to work on this because sooner or later, I am going to have to stop relying on distractions and start fixing things... but I guess, I'll have to wait until I get to the top of the waiting list.
Anyone have any experience/advice with this?
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Showing posts with label depression. Show all posts
Tuesday, 16 September 2014
Friday, 15 August 2014
Depression and Suicide
You've probably all heard that the world lost a great man this week as Robin Williams committed suicide. After battling with depression and anxiety for a long time, he took his own life and yes, it's tragic. This was a man who bought joy to so many lives through his comedy yet he was suffering every day. So what can we learn from this?
Well, it highlights the fact depression can affect anyone. It doesn't matter what class, race, sexuality you are. It doesn't matter what job you have or where you live. Depression is a mental illness that can creep up on anyone at any time.
Many people have commented on the selfishness of suicide. I get this, I understand that it seems selfish. But, unless you've been there, unless you have felt so hopeless that you feel death is the only way out then you cannot understand it. Robin Williams had access to a lot of help and sadly, depression still did not stop for him. So think about those people who do not have access to help. Life seems even more hopeless and pointless to them. Referring to suicide as selfish just shows the ignorance surrounding the mental illness.
Depression is serious. It is not just feeling a little sad. Imagine a day when you cannot motivate yourself to move from bed. You cannot eat or shower or move. You might be able to cry and when you start, you cannot stop. Life seems pointless. You do not enjoy anything. You hate yourself so much that it hurts. Depression gives you physical pains - headaches and nausea. It feels like there is nothing that can help. Now, imagine this happens regularly.
That's the pain of depression. Calling suicide selfish when it seems like the only way out of this misery is ignorant and unfair. 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem' - yes, but sometimes the problem seems permanent. It feels like it will never end. Depression does not allow for logical thinking. The sufferer contemplating suicide will not necessarily think about the family and friends they will be leaving behind.
Depression can affect anyone. Suicide is a desperate act from someone who is suffering. Respect the deceased and keep your "selfish" talk to yourself.
Well, it highlights the fact depression can affect anyone. It doesn't matter what class, race, sexuality you are. It doesn't matter what job you have or where you live. Depression is a mental illness that can creep up on anyone at any time.
Many people have commented on the selfishness of suicide. I get this, I understand that it seems selfish. But, unless you've been there, unless you have felt so hopeless that you feel death is the only way out then you cannot understand it. Robin Williams had access to a lot of help and sadly, depression still did not stop for him. So think about those people who do not have access to help. Life seems even more hopeless and pointless to them. Referring to suicide as selfish just shows the ignorance surrounding the mental illness.
Depression is serious. It is not just feeling a little sad. Imagine a day when you cannot motivate yourself to move from bed. You cannot eat or shower or move. You might be able to cry and when you start, you cannot stop. Life seems pointless. You do not enjoy anything. You hate yourself so much that it hurts. Depression gives you physical pains - headaches and nausea. It feels like there is nothing that can help. Now, imagine this happens regularly.
That's the pain of depression. Calling suicide selfish when it seems like the only way out of this misery is ignorant and unfair. 'Suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem' - yes, but sometimes the problem seems permanent. It feels like it will never end. Depression does not allow for logical thinking. The sufferer contemplating suicide will not necessarily think about the family and friends they will be leaving behind.
Depression can affect anyone. Suicide is a desperate act from someone who is suffering. Respect the deceased and keep your "selfish" talk to yourself.
Wednesday, 16 July 2014
Dealing with depression
So recently I slipped into a pretty bad episode of depression. It's always there, like a lingering black cloud but sometimes it starts pouring with rain. I got to the point where menial tasks like tying my shoelaces took all the concentration and energy I had. I thought I would share some tips for pulling yourself out of a particularly bad period of depression.
1. Remind yourself of the good things.
Depression makes it really difficult to be grateful for the good things in your life. It seems like everything is terrible. So it's important to remind yourself of all the good no matter how small it is. Whether it's a stable job or a tv show you enjoy, all these things can help you feel better.
2. Get dressed in the morning.
It can be really tempting to wallow in the sadness, stay in your pyjamas and sleep. For me, getting dressed in the morning is the first step to having a better day. It makes you less likely to stay in bed and let the depression take you. Something like getting dressed is a big task when you are depressed but putting the effort in will make a difference.
3. Get out the house.
Whether it's going for a walk or picking up milk from the shops, getting out of the house is good for you! You'll probably feel like sitting inside in a dark room and crying or just doing nothing. But, if you force yourself out of the house to do small tasks, this is another thing which is a 'fuck you' to depression. All of these tips will ease the depression and stop it from growing worse. Allowing yourself to be depressed, however tempting, can be dangerous.
4. Keep busy.
When I'm depressed I find it really easy to sit and do nothing but think. Some thinking can be good but too much will lead you into an endless spiral until you are more depressed than you were to start with. How to stop this? I suggest keeping busy. Doing little bits of work or reading a book, anything that you need to focus on will help. Obviously it's difficult to get motivated when depressed but any little thing you can muster up the energy to do will help. Do not get stuck inside your head.
5. Write things down.
Whether it's lists of happy memories, songs you love, a plan for the week or all your thoughts. Writing things down helps to make it all seem more real. Writing down your feelings can be really useful, especially all the negative. Burn the paper afterwards or rip it to pieces, it really does provide some relief even if it sounds silly!
6. Talk.
Do not, no matter how much it seems like the best idea, keep quiet. Open up to someone about what you are going through. A parent, partner, friend, doctor. Just talk to someone about things. Let them know you're in a bad place and that you might need some help. Other people being aware is always good in case you get to a state of urgent care need.
7. Spend time with others.
Depression can make this hard. All you want to do is be alone and isolate yourself. But, if you make the effort to spend time with people, you will eventually feel a little better. Even if it's just sitting inside and watching a movie. Having company means you are less likely to harm yourself and wallow in your own misery.
8. Professional help.
If things do not seem to be looking up, go to your doctor. If you're not on medication or in counselling, these could both help. If you are on medication, it might need changing. Don't be ashamed about needing help. Doctors are there to treat illnesses and depression is a very real and painful mental illness.
I know that all of this is much easier said than done! Trust me, I've been telling myself these things recently and had little energy to actually do anything. When I do muster up the energy though, it does help. Every little thing can make a difference and lift your mood slightly. This is the awful thing about depression: there are things to do which can make it more manageable but the depression makes doing these things seem impossible and pointless. The depression is lying to you. You are strong enough to get through this and hopefully some of these steps will help!
1. Remind yourself of the good things.
Depression makes it really difficult to be grateful for the good things in your life. It seems like everything is terrible. So it's important to remind yourself of all the good no matter how small it is. Whether it's a stable job or a tv show you enjoy, all these things can help you feel better.
2. Get dressed in the morning.
It can be really tempting to wallow in the sadness, stay in your pyjamas and sleep. For me, getting dressed in the morning is the first step to having a better day. It makes you less likely to stay in bed and let the depression take you. Something like getting dressed is a big task when you are depressed but putting the effort in will make a difference.
3. Get out the house.
Whether it's going for a walk or picking up milk from the shops, getting out of the house is good for you! You'll probably feel like sitting inside in a dark room and crying or just doing nothing. But, if you force yourself out of the house to do small tasks, this is another thing which is a 'fuck you' to depression. All of these tips will ease the depression and stop it from growing worse. Allowing yourself to be depressed, however tempting, can be dangerous.
4. Keep busy.
When I'm depressed I find it really easy to sit and do nothing but think. Some thinking can be good but too much will lead you into an endless spiral until you are more depressed than you were to start with. How to stop this? I suggest keeping busy. Doing little bits of work or reading a book, anything that you need to focus on will help. Obviously it's difficult to get motivated when depressed but any little thing you can muster up the energy to do will help. Do not get stuck inside your head.
5. Write things down.
Whether it's lists of happy memories, songs you love, a plan for the week or all your thoughts. Writing things down helps to make it all seem more real. Writing down your feelings can be really useful, especially all the negative. Burn the paper afterwards or rip it to pieces, it really does provide some relief even if it sounds silly!
6. Talk.
Do not, no matter how much it seems like the best idea, keep quiet. Open up to someone about what you are going through. A parent, partner, friend, doctor. Just talk to someone about things. Let them know you're in a bad place and that you might need some help. Other people being aware is always good in case you get to a state of urgent care need.
7. Spend time with others.
Depression can make this hard. All you want to do is be alone and isolate yourself. But, if you make the effort to spend time with people, you will eventually feel a little better. Even if it's just sitting inside and watching a movie. Having company means you are less likely to harm yourself and wallow in your own misery.
8. Professional help.
If things do not seem to be looking up, go to your doctor. If you're not on medication or in counselling, these could both help. If you are on medication, it might need changing. Don't be ashamed about needing help. Doctors are there to treat illnesses and depression is a very real and painful mental illness.
I know that all of this is much easier said than done! Trust me, I've been telling myself these things recently and had little energy to actually do anything. When I do muster up the energy though, it does help. Every little thing can make a difference and lift your mood slightly. This is the awful thing about depression: there are things to do which can make it more manageable but the depression makes doing these things seem impossible and pointless. The depression is lying to you. You are strong enough to get through this and hopefully some of these steps will help!
Thursday, 5 June 2014
Depression - what's it really like?
There's many misconceptions about people with depression: it's just being a little bit sad, you can snap out of it, they're just lazy, just an excuse, overemotional. None of this is true. But, what is it really like to have depression? It is pretty difficult to understand unless you have been through it, I'm going to try and give you an idea though.
Some days are better than others but, the bad days are really bad. I've had a lot of bad days over the years. Lying in bed, completely unable to move or function. Curtains drawn, no energy to even make a cup of tea. Eating is too much effort and showering is completely out of question. Sometimes tears will not stop and other times crying is impossible, just numbness. Nothing. Darkness. No phone calls, I don't want to contact anyone. I'll just bring them down and that's not fair. Isolation. So back to sleep because at least then I don't have to think about anything. About the misery in the world. Maybe even about death. Because nothing is good, everything is awful. I am useless and worthless and everybody hates me. What's even the point in living? Why bother? Everything hurts. So yeah, depression really sucks. It takes a lot of energy being so damn miserable.
How exactly is this supposed to get better? It often feels like it never will. But, it really can. Life with depression is hard but there are ways to manage it. Talking really helps - to a counsellor, partner, friend, doctor. There is some relief in just getting it out, letting go of some of the horrid thoughts in your head. Medication can also ease the problem, it can be pretty difficult to find what is right for you but once you do, it can definitely make the world seem a little brighter. Remind yourself of the good things in life - sometimes depression makes it difficult to see the good in anything, you feel like there is nothing to be grateful for - even if it's something small like the taste of tea!
Depression affects a lot of people from all walks of life. It can last a couple of months as the result of job loss, bereavement etc. Or it could be something you suffer with for much longer. There are a variety of causes and many people find it hard to figure out exactly what it is.
If you know someone with depression, do not tell them to cheer up, do not tell them they have nothing to be sad about, do not think that they can snap out of it. Do be supportive and offer help when they need it, be kind and patient and understanding.
If you have depression or think you might, do not be ashamed. Speak up. Talk to your doctor. Explain it to your friends. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is a mental health problem and it requires help. Open up to people. If we all keep talking about it, the stigma attached to it will eventually start to wear away. We can fight depression one day at a time.
Some days are better than others but, the bad days are really bad. I've had a lot of bad days over the years. Lying in bed, completely unable to move or function. Curtains drawn, no energy to even make a cup of tea. Eating is too much effort and showering is completely out of question. Sometimes tears will not stop and other times crying is impossible, just numbness. Nothing. Darkness. No phone calls, I don't want to contact anyone. I'll just bring them down and that's not fair. Isolation. So back to sleep because at least then I don't have to think about anything. About the misery in the world. Maybe even about death. Because nothing is good, everything is awful. I am useless and worthless and everybody hates me. What's even the point in living? Why bother? Everything hurts. So yeah, depression really sucks. It takes a lot of energy being so damn miserable.
How exactly is this supposed to get better? It often feels like it never will. But, it really can. Life with depression is hard but there are ways to manage it. Talking really helps - to a counsellor, partner, friend, doctor. There is some relief in just getting it out, letting go of some of the horrid thoughts in your head. Medication can also ease the problem, it can be pretty difficult to find what is right for you but once you do, it can definitely make the world seem a little brighter. Remind yourself of the good things in life - sometimes depression makes it difficult to see the good in anything, you feel like there is nothing to be grateful for - even if it's something small like the taste of tea!
Depression affects a lot of people from all walks of life. It can last a couple of months as the result of job loss, bereavement etc. Or it could be something you suffer with for much longer. There are a variety of causes and many people find it hard to figure out exactly what it is.
If you know someone with depression, do not tell them to cheer up, do not tell them they have nothing to be sad about, do not think that they can snap out of it. Do be supportive and offer help when they need it, be kind and patient and understanding.
If you have depression or think you might, do not be ashamed. Speak up. Talk to your doctor. Explain it to your friends. It is not something to be ashamed of. It is a mental health problem and it requires help. Open up to people. If we all keep talking about it, the stigma attached to it will eventually start to wear away. We can fight depression one day at a time.
Monday, 2 June 2014
Hey there!
I'm in a strange place in my life. I have just finished my final exams of a 3 year degree in History and Philosophy. I am now searching for jobs and internships and just trying to find my place in the world. It's difficult, it's weird to be out of academia for the first time in so many years. I feel a huge sense of achievement but also, fear. What is it even like to be a real adult in the real world? How do I do this?
On top of this, I am still in recovery from an eating disorder. That's a battle every single day! I developed an eating disorder when I was about 14. I've been in recovery for 3 years now and it hasn't got any easier. Depression and anxiety are also ongoing problems for me which I'm still trying to find ways of coping with. I am on medication but not in therapy at the moment. All of this and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life makes things very difficult!
I guess this blog will be a bunch of posts about how I'm dealing with my mental health problems, how I manage to fit into adult life and my thoughts on feminism and music. Those are two things which I'm hugely passionate about and keep me sane when my head is driving me absolutely crazy. So here it goes, my journey into adult life and recovery...
On top of this, I am still in recovery from an eating disorder. That's a battle every single day! I developed an eating disorder when I was about 14. I've been in recovery for 3 years now and it hasn't got any easier. Depression and anxiety are also ongoing problems for me which I'm still trying to find ways of coping with. I am on medication but not in therapy at the moment. All of this and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life makes things very difficult!
I guess this blog will be a bunch of posts about how I'm dealing with my mental health problems, how I manage to fit into adult life and my thoughts on feminism and music. Those are two things which I'm hugely passionate about and keep me sane when my head is driving me absolutely crazy. So here it goes, my journey into adult life and recovery...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)