What does 'Recovery' mean to you?

TW Eating Disorders

Recovery: Noun - a return to a normal state of health, mind, or strength

Recovery is a word that is widely used amongst mental health professionals and those who are mentally unwell. It is often seen us the goal which anyone who is unwell should hold. It is the process which they say we are in once we start to seek treatment.

On the surface, this seems fine. Of course we want to be ‘normal’ and lead functioning lives. When I initially began fighting against my eating disorder, the word recovery was my focus. I longed for a day when I would be free from the constant stream of thoughts surrounding calories, weight, food. I felt that I would one day be able to say that I had recovered from my eating disorder.

However, 4 years on and I still cannot claim to be recovered in that sense. My health and mind are not at a normal state. I continue to think about food the second I wake up, I still count calories and weigh myself every day. In many ways, I think that I will always be this way. I accept this. I accept that sometimes a full recovery is unrealistic, especially in terms of mental health.

I think the focus on recovery can be detrimental. It leaves people unaware of the achievements they have made simply because they cannot state that they have recovered completely. Yes, my eating disorder is still very much a part of me. But, I am physically healthy, I eat something every day, I no longer abuse laxatives. While I am not recovered, and maybe never will be, I am living and functioning anyway.

Personally, I believe that the goal of treatment should primarily be about learning to live with your mental illness. Of course, full recovery would be amazing and is possible for some people. This may not be a possibility for everyone. Schizophrenia, for example, is often a life long illness. Rather than focusing on getting rid of this illness, surely it makes more sense to learn how to live the best life possible with it.

This would be a more beneficial goal in terms of relapsing too. Instead of relapsing and thinking that you had ruined your chance of recovery, the important thing would be carrying on because you can still live with a mental illness. For me, whenever I had a day without eating I felt like I had gone 10 steps back away from recovery. But understanding that it is perfectly normal for people to be busy and skip meals reminds me that very few people have a completely healthy relationship with food. Most people I know have reported skipping meals because they’ve been busy or eating loads of food because they felt sad. So if I do things like this, I cannot consider myself recovered because they are disordered eating behaviours yet any ‘normal’ person can do this and it is considered to be okay. This seems unfair and confusing!

It seems to me that whoever started putting the spotlight on recovery failed to understand that some people do not wish to get rid of their illness. Many people find certain aspects of their illness comforting. As someone with a BPD diagnosis, there are tonnes of things I hate about my illness. However, I actually like how passionate and intense it causes me to be. I might have a constant fear of abandonment but that causes me to be kind and fiercely loyal to all of my friends. That is not something I wish to change. I would simply like to learn how to manage the intensity of things. In this case, my focus is not on recovery but on learning to function in society despite being mentally unwell.

Recovery appears to be a way to rid the world of as much mental illness as possible. What I mean by this is that recovery looks at people returning to a ‘normal’ mental state. But, who gets to say what is normal? Who gets to say that recovery means a mind that is mostly free of worry and experiences emotions within a certain range? Just because someone’s mind does not work in the same way as someone else’s does not mean that they are required to change it.

There are people who can function in society with a mental illness. There are people who do everyday tasks and hold down a job and would be considered mentally ill. It is not for anyone else to decide that they should be getting treatment so they can be mentally well. If that person is content in managing their symptoms then they should have the option to do this.

Recovery, in the mental health field, often requires people to set life goals. This can be so difficult for people with mental illnesses, particularly those who remain suicidal. Of course, some people find setting goals very useful and they can be. But thinking of what you want to achieve when all you want to do is die is not easy. In some cases, surely the only goal is to keep going and it should be accepted that for some people, this is their only goal if they have any.

Essentially, the issues surrounding mental health focus too much on ‘curing’ people’s minds and making them like everyone else. It could potentially work better for a lot of people to look at providing tools to manage their mind as it is. Maybe you use the word ‘recovery’ to mean living the best life possible. Maybe it is just the wrong word to use in relation to mental health. My main issue with it is that it suggests that one cannot be living a satisfactory life if they are mentally unwell and not following societal norms.

Recovery...

I have been in recovery from an eating disorder for about 3 years. I know it's fucking difficult and I am far from considering myself fully recovered but I thought I'd try and offer some advice on recovery. It might help someone or at least be interesting to read...

1. Acceptance
As cliché as it might sound, the first stage of recovery is accepting you have a problem. Having an eating disorder can be so all consuming that it becomes completely normal to you. Starving yourself or missing meals seems like something everyone does. But, remind yourself that it is not. It is not healthy. Admit that and understand you have an illness and your recovery can begin.

2. Weight restoration
This will not apply for everyone. But, for me, the first step of my recovery was getting back to a healthy weight and in the long run, that's the easy part even though it seems like hell at the time! The motivation for me was that I really did not want to end up in hospital like one of my friends. So I started eating a lot and often. I did not really want to get better for the right reasons, but it was a start. I think meal plans really help. Do not kid yourself into thinking you can gain weight on 1200 calories a day or something like that. Most people need about 3000 calories every single day to start gaining weight. See a dietician or ask for your doctors advice if you can. Every day will be a struggle. You will want to skip meals. You might want to find ways of compensating. Initially, I began to abuse laxatives, I hated feeling full. That was another thing which I then had to fight. Weight restoration is difficult but possible. Just keep reminding yourself of a healthy body that can keep you going every day - it's amazing!

3. Why recover?
This was difficult for me. I always felt like I was recovering for the wrong reasons. Many people say you can never really recover until you do it for yourself. I would've disagreed with that a while back but I now agree. I have tried recovering for family, for friends, for boyfriends. The only time anything has really stuck was when I realised I needed to recover for myself. For my health, for my life, for my happiness, for me. I find it useful to have a list of reasons to recover so that any time I feel like a relapse might happen, it's a nice reminder. It tells me what the eating disorder has taken away from me and what I can have back. The ability to eat around others, in restaurants, enjoying my favourite foods, not feeling dizzy, spending time with friends, the list goes on and on.

4. Figure out your triggers
The best way to do this, for me, was to keep a diary of my moods. Any time I would eat less or binge then I would notice how I was feeling or what I had been doing. For me, loneliness or feeling emotionally empty usually led to binge eating and anxiety usually led to starvation. By noticing these triggers, you can notice them and then start to avoid them. Find other ways to deal with the emotions - hanging out with friends or listening to music, anything that helps. Sorting this out can really help you to stop using food to deal with emotions, something which is often a big part of eating disorders. Unfortunately, not all triggers can be avoided. I find people talking about diets often leads to negative thinking and behaviour. People talk about diets a lot. For these types of triggers, it's just a matter of strong will and reminding yourself of how mush better life can be free of your ED.

5. Stop calorie counting etc.
There are little behaviours with eating disorders that become totally ingrained into your life such as weighing out food and counting calories. This is something that I am still yet to stop doing. These are behaviours which you begin to do almost automatically so stopping them is really hard! For a start, throw out any records of what you have eaten. Lots of people with eating disorders keep records of their daily food intake and keeping these is not going to help recovery. Burn them, throw them away, you do not need to know what you ate 3 weeks ago on a Monday morning. It does not matter. Now, every time you find yourself counting calories or going to the bathroom after a meal - STOP. Think. Breathe. You do not need to do this. Now do something else. Anything. Watch a film, read a book, go for a walk, call a friend. Distract yourself as much as you can. Keep reminding yourself that you are more than those behaviours and numbers.

6. Throw away the scales
Stop weighing yourself! You are more than a number. It does not tell you how valuable you are. It does not tell you anything other than how much you physically weight. It is not important. You are more than that. Write a list of all the things you like about yourself. Sounds impossible, right? Just try it. It could be about your appearance but what about your personality? Maybe something small like how you have good manners or something bigger like you are always there for your friends. Look at this list whenever you feel like you are only worth a number.

7. Accept your body
Maybe you're a little 'overweight' by those stupid BMI standards. Maybe you have fat where you do not want it and stretch marks and cellulite that you hate. THAT'S OKAY! The important thing is that you accept it. You do not have to love your body (you should though, it's amazing!) but do accept that this is it. It is the only one you've got and it keeps you going and allows you to do so many great things. Accept it as much as you can.

I am aware that recovery is different for everyone but I thought that I would share some things which help me. I haven't quite got there yet but I have hope that I will. You should all have hope because recovery is difficult but definitely possible and totally worth the struggle!

Hey there!

I'm in a strange place in my life. I have just finished my final exams of a 3 year degree in History and Philosophy. I am now searching for jobs and internships and just trying to find my place in the world. It's difficult, it's weird to be out of academia for the first time in so many years. I feel a huge sense of achievement but also, fear. What is it even like to be a real adult in the real world? How do I do this?

On top of this, I am still in recovery from an eating disorder. That's a battle every single day! I developed an eating disorder when I was about 14. I've been in recovery for 3 years now and it hasn't got any easier. Depression and anxiety are also ongoing problems for me which I'm still trying to find ways of coping with. I am on medication but not in therapy at the moment. All of this and trying to figure out what I want to do with my life makes things very difficult!

I guess this blog will be a bunch of posts about how I'm dealing with my mental health problems, how I manage to fit into adult life and my thoughts on feminism and music. Those are two things which I'm hugely passionate about and keep me sane when my head is driving me absolutely crazy. So here it goes, my journey into adult life and recovery...