Dear past feminists...

There's been this whole women against feminism thing emerging online lately and it sucks. They do not seem to understand feminism. They make awful assumptions and base their views on only extreme "feminists." But worst of all, there are women who seem to forget the incredible achievements of past feminists so here is an open letter, a reminder of all that feminism has done so far.

Dear past feminists,

Thank you for giving your time and energy and power to such an important cause. Thank you for fighting for women's rights across the world.

Modern women owe you more than they might realise. Thanks to your battle, we now have a choice. Most countries supply women with contraception so that we can decide if and when to have children. There are still issues in some cultures but those of us lucky enough to have access owe you thanks. For the protests and petitions and pushing for laws to change.

Women can vote. Sure, governments can be corrupt and useless. But a hundred years ago, women did not have the ability to vote. Now, we do. I, personally, think that is amazing. Today's women must remember all you did for us to gain the vote.

Oh and we do not have to be wives and mothers now. We have options. We can go out and get jobs. We can provide for ourselves. Again, thanks to the feminists of the past from across the globe. We have access the education, to university. You'll probably be sad to hear that many women forget that this is a privilege, that 40 years ago, the world was not like this. Thanks to the battle of feminists, we can live more free lives.

Okay, so equal pay isn't quite here yet and some countries have a long way to go. Women still get blamed for their own rape, still get judged based on their appearance. There's still work to do. But, us modern feminists, are eternally grateful for the work you put in to make things better for all women. Sure the movement has some issues, just like it always has, but we will not stop talking and shouting until equality is reached.

We will not keep reminding those women who are "against" feminism that they ought to remember that without it, they would not have access to education/contraception/jobs like they do. That they need to educate themselves on issues before bitching about us. 

And yes, we're still mostly seen as man-hating, hairy lesbians but understanding is spreading and it won't stop.

Thank you.

My favourite albums

Music is my one true love so I thought I'd share 5 of my favourite albums that I think everyone should listen to! In no particular order...

1. Disintegration - The Cure
I am a huge fan of The Cure, I saw them live in 2012 and they were so great! This album is by far my favourite of theirs. I always feel like I'm on some kind of journey when listening to it. It always relaxes me and takes me away to another place, it's somewhat hypnotic. I love music which has the power to do that. It's the gloomy gothic style that The Cure are known and loved for. Although the album, as the title suggests, came at a difficult time for band members, it will always be an incredible collection of beautifully dark songs.

Best songs: Pictures of You, Lovesong, Fascination Street.

2. The Velvet Underground & Nico - The Velvet Underground
A commercial failure on release, this album is now often cited as a huge influence on many artists. This really is my favourite album of all time. Nico's voice is mesmerising and works so well with the whole sound of the band. The songs tell stories of addiction and other controversial topics. The lyrics, style and overall composition of the album makes it one that gets better every time you listen to it.

Best songs: Femme Fatale, Venus in Furs, Venus in Furs

3. Up the Bracket - The Libertines
My favourite band, for their music and their story. Their debut album, it showcases some of the best of their songs out there. Carl and Peter really are two musicians who write and play so well together and this album reflects that. The first band of this generation to really have their own style which has since been replicated many times. If you like guitars and interesting lyrics, you'll love this.

Best songs: Death on the Stairs, The Good Old Days, Time For Heroes

4. Nevermind - Nirvana
Any list of great albums would be incomplete without this. Grunge rock at its very best with a melodic pop twist, this is definitely my favourite Nirvana album. I love listening to this after the Pixies 'Surfer Rosa' because the influence is so clear and it's awesome! The songs are catchy, the lyrics are great and the frequent changes in dynamic make this album unique. 'Nevermind' also made this genre more accessible which was not any easy feat.

Best songs: Lithium, Come As You Are

5. Midnight Boom - The Kills
I am head over heels crushing on Alison Mosshart and have been since I first heard this album a few years ago. The Kills songs always have so much going on in them and somehow they manage to also be an amazing live band. To me, they're pretty unique and special, I haven't found anything similar and to their standard yet. All the songs on this album are really catchy and it's just brilliant.

Best songs: Sour Cherry, Tape Song, Cheap & Cheerful

So there you have it, 5 albums which you should all listen to now (even if you've heard them before.) I'll probably post another list like this soon...

We're in a relationship so I have to have sex with him, right?

TRIGGER WARNING: RAPE

Cases of rape are well documented, the issue is one which the public is aware of. What many people seem unaware of is that rape can also occur within relationships. It is not limited to a stranger attacking someone on the streets or at a party. Rape in relationships is a very real and very big problem.

The main issue here is that people see sex in relationships as always consenting and mutual. This is not always the case. We all have a right to say 'no' to sex even if we are in a relationship with the other person. If said person ignores this and the sex is not 100% consensual then this is rape. It does not have to be a stranger, it can be a partner or someone you already know.

Rape within relationships is clearly recognised by the law but many people fail to see it as a problem. We cannot assume that because someone has committed to a relationship with someone else that they then want sex every time the other person does. 

Perhaps the rape is not particularly violent. In relationships, it is often the case that emotional manipulation is used when the other person does not want sex. For example, the person might threaten to leave if they do not have sex with them. Marrying or being with someone else does not mean that people give up the right to say no!

Women, especially, can often feel obligated to have sex with a partner. They might feel that they have a responsibility to have sex with them if they want a good relationship so let it happen when they do not really want it. It's a scary thought but it's true. I know feminists who have done this, they can say no but they feel a huge pressure to go along with it anyway. This is why we need to be aware of the possibility of rape in relationships, why we need to understand consent and we need to teach everyone that they should never have sex if they do not want to.

The huge problem here is those who are raped by a partner are less likely to report it than if it were a stranger. There is still an idea that marriage/relationships mean that partners have an entitlement to sex, this is not true!

It's all pretty simple. Without consent, there should be no sexual activity. So what counts as consent? It can be defined as 'free agreement.' Someone who is under the influence of drugs or alcohol cannot consent. Saying yes due to a threat is not consent. If the person is incapable of giving consent for any reason, this does not equate to actual consent. If someone decides that they wish to withdraw their consent and ask you to stop but you do not, that is rape. If the consent is not decided by the individual without any pressure then it does not count.

So just remember that rape can occur within relationships as well as outside of them. It can be truly awful because this is often someone that you thought cared about/loved you. And know that even in a relationship, we always have the right to say no.

Self Harm is not just teen angst...

We've all heard about self harm but a lot of people assume it's limited to teenagers, usually girls. It tends to be seen as teen angst, a reaction to hormones. People imagine teenage girls cutting themselves. But it's important to remember that it can affect adults too.

For those of you who might not know, self harm is the act of causing intentional harm to oneself usually through cutting or burning. In teenagers, it can be the result of confusion, depression and a whole host of other things. It is often used as a coping mechanism to deal with emotional difficulties.

What about adults? Why do they turn to self harm? Well, it could be the case that they began self harming when they were a teenager and have been unable to find a better way of coping. Self harm can often become somewhat addictive. It may be a symptom of a mental illness such as borderline personality disorder or acting on voices from psychosis. It could be a result of some trauma or painful life event.

It's difficult to explain what could make someone hurt themselves in this way, it's not easy to explain the motivation sometimes. For me, it always provided relief in some way. It was my alternative to crying. The point is that it is not just teen angst. It can impact anyone at any point in their life.

An adult self harming does not mean that they're immature and it is often more difficult to treat. For adults, who have to get jobs, self harm scars can also be a big problem. It's just something worth remembering, mental illness and associated things like self harm do not discriminate. Any gender, age, race or class could be effected by it.  

I saw red when I watched 'Seeing Red'

I've recently been watching the much loved tv show 'Buffy the Vampire Slayer.' It's been constantly recommended to me and I have reached the end of season 6 now and the show is much better than I ever anticipated. I love the characters, the stories, the twists, the drama and comedy of it. But, there's one episode that has made me so uncomfortable and angry at Joss Whedon.

Warning: spoilers! Triggers for mentions of rape.

If you've watched Buffy then you'll understand all of this. If not, it might be interesting and a warning to you about how much you might dislike this episode. 'Seeing Red' is episode 19 of season 6. There's been this whole drama surrounding Spike and Buffy's "relationship" with them sleeping together and him being in love with her, Buffy claiming that she was just using him to deal with her other issues. In short, their "relationship" is a mess.

I'd always liked Spike. He was always a funny character despite his whole being a vampire thing which was great. I thought it was sweet at first that he was in love with Buffy. I wanted it to work. Then he got obsessive and it was just a bit creepy. But, I dealt with it. Vampire/slayer flings aren't exactly new to the show!

This was until the scene in "Seeing Red" when Spike attempts to rape Buffy on her bathroom floor. Yes, scenes that deal with rape are supposed to be uncomfortable to watch. I understand that. However, I was so angry about it because it was a shock, it was unexpected. Sure I expected Spike to do something evil after Buffy continuously rejected him but not this!

Not only was it shocking, it was totally unnecessary. I know that Whedon wanted to add more development for Spike's character but surely there are other ways to do this...

What I find most disturbing is that, from what I've read, the series continues focusing on Spike's struggles to come to terms with what he did. I DON'T CARE ABOUT THAT. Buffy has dealt with a lot of trauma so she can deal with this and does. But, I do not give a fuck how Spike feels. I do not care about his guilt. He should be feeling guilty, he should be in pain and regret what he has done for the rest of his 'life.' Why does Whedon insist on making the audience see this from the perspective of someone who attempted to rape someone?! It's not okay.

I dread to think what is going to happen next. I worry that Buffy and Spike will reconcile in some twisted turn of events. Buffy's character deserves time given to her healing after this event but Spike's does not.

Apologies if this is all rambling, I am just horrified by this episode and it's making it very difficulty for me to continue watching a show that I really enjoyed.

Israel/Palestine explained!

It's easy to ignore it, to forget about the rest of the world and just focus on your own life. I know I do it a lot. But sometimes, it becomes too difficult to ignore. It shouldn't be ignored. The famine, the war, the hell that people are living through every single day needs to be recognised. It's depressing but people need to be aware of it. Recently, I've been paying attention to the news about the world because so much terrible stuff appears to be happening all at once. I feel like I should be doing something to help, I've always felt some responsibility as a human to help others, no matter who they are or where they are in the world. Unfortunately, it feels there is little I can really do to make a difference so I've decided to write a series of blog posts to at least raise awareness of what is going on in the world.

So first up, let's talk Israel and Palestine. I'm going to try and explain the conflict in simple terms because it's really complex.

Geographically

Israel and Palestine are territories in the Middle East. There are no internationally recognised borders, it's part of the long ongoing dispute. While some believe that Palestine is an independent state, others see it as territories under Israeli occupation. Both have claims to various territories going back a long way.

When/how did it all start?

The early 1900s was when it all began. Many Jews who felt persecuted in their own homes began to move to the area wanting to have their own state there. In 1947, the UN approved a division - Israel for the Arabs and Palestine for the Jews with Jerusalem as an international zone. This was not enforced as many viewed it as European interference. In 1948, Palestine was invaded as people wanted it to be unified. They also uprooted entire Palestinian communities resulting in around 700, 000 refugees. Israel took control of most areas except for Gaza and the West Bank.

Then what?

Israel began occupying Palestinian territories in 1967, forces have occupied the West Bank since then. Why the occupation? Well, Israel claims that it is for security against Palestinian attacks. This makes life for Palestinians very difficult, subject to Israeli controls and strict border controls. Unemployment is high and getting food and water can be hard for some. 

Why is it still going on?

Well, in 2005 Israel left Gaza. Then a group called Hamas won elections and took control there. Violence has been going on for so long that it seems like the norm but it's important to remember that no one should have to live in a state of conflict like this. 

Hamas? Who are they?

They are a militant group formed in 1987. They have been engaged in conflict with the aim of forming a Palestinian state. They want Israel to be gone. They have led several suicide bombings. As unity talks keep breaking down, the conflict continues.

What about peace negotiations?

With continuous failed peace talks, a lot of people have concluded that violence must be the only solution. There seems to be a widespread feeling of apathy. There are still a lot of important questions to be answered - what will happen to settlers in the West Bank? What will happen to refugees? Who gets control of Jerusalem? Where do they draw the borders?

Will it ever end?!

Hopefully, yes. Either one state gets destroyed, there is a unity of states or two states can be formed. When this will happen remains unknown but hopefully sooner rather than later as casualties continue to rise.

Hopefully if you didn't understand the conflict much, you do now. Raising awareness is important if there's little else we can do. Please do let me know if I've made any mistakes! 

Dealing with depression

So recently I slipped into a pretty bad episode of depression. It's always there, like a lingering black cloud but sometimes it starts pouring with rain. I got to the point where menial tasks like tying my shoelaces took all the concentration and energy I had. I thought I would share some tips for pulling yourself out of a particularly bad period of depression.

1. Remind yourself of the good things.

Depression makes it really difficult to be grateful for the good things in your life. It seems like everything is terrible. So it's important to remind yourself of all the good no matter how small it is. Whether it's a stable job or a tv show you enjoy, all these things can help you feel better.

2. Get dressed in the morning.

It can be really tempting to wallow in the sadness, stay in your pyjamas and sleep. For me, getting dressed in the morning is the first step to having a better day. It makes you less likely to stay in bed and let the depression take you. Something like getting dressed is a big task when you are depressed but putting the effort in will make a difference.

3. Get out the house.

Whether it's going for a walk or picking up milk from the shops, getting out of the house is good for you! You'll probably feel like sitting inside in a dark room and crying or just doing nothing. But, if you force yourself out of the house to do small tasks, this is another thing which is a 'fuck you' to depression. All of these tips will ease the depression and stop it from growing worse. Allowing yourself to be depressed, however tempting, can be dangerous.

4. Keep busy.

When I'm depressed I find it really easy to sit and do nothing but think. Some thinking can be good but too much will lead you into an endless spiral until you are more depressed than you were to start with. How to stop this? I suggest keeping busy. Doing little bits of work or reading a book, anything that you need to focus on will help. Obviously it's difficult to get motivated when depressed but any little thing you can muster up the energy to do will help. Do not get stuck inside your head.

5. Write things down. 

Whether it's lists of happy memories, songs you love, a plan for the week or all your thoughts. Writing things down helps to make it all seem more real. Writing down your feelings can be really useful, especially all the negative. Burn the paper afterwards or rip it to pieces, it really does provide some relief even if it sounds silly!

6. Talk.

Do not, no matter how much it seems like the best idea, keep quiet. Open up to someone about what you are going through. A parent, partner, friend, doctor. Just talk to someone about things. Let them know you're in a bad place and that you might need some help. Other people being aware is always good in case you get to a state of urgent care need.

7. Spend time with others.

Depression can make this hard. All you want to do is be alone and isolate yourself. But, if you make the effort to spend time with people, you will eventually feel a little better. Even if it's just sitting inside and watching a movie. Having company means you are less likely to harm yourself and wallow in your own misery.

8. Professional help.

If things do not seem to be looking up, go to your doctor. If you're not on medication or in counselling, these could both help. If you are on medication, it might need changing. Don't be ashamed about needing help. Doctors are there to treat illnesses and depression is a very real and painful mental illness.


I know that all of this is much easier said than done! Trust me, I've been telling myself these things recently and had little energy to actually do anything. When I do muster up the energy though, it does help. Every little thing can make a difference and lift your mood slightly. This is the awful thing about depression: there are things to do which can make it more manageable but the depression makes doing these things seem impossible and pointless. The depression is lying to you. You are strong enough to get through this and hopefully some of these steps will help!

I'm a female, I have a boyfriend, I am still bisexual...

Bisexuality erasure, wikipedia defines it as "the tendency to ignore, remove, falsify, or re-explain evidence of bisexuality in history." I've heard it all.

Bisexuals are just greedy
They haven't made up their mind yet
They're fooling themselves, they're actually just gay
But, you have a boyfriend so you must be straight?

Well please forgive those of us who identify as bisexual and manage to get into good relationships with someone of the opposite gender. Just because I have never had a relationship with a girl does not mean that I am not physically and emotionally attracted to them. Just because I am in a relationship with a man does not mean that I am heterosexual. Stop trying to tell people that bisexuality does not exist!

Identifying as bisexual does not mean someone is in denial about their sexuality. It does not mean that they are just experimenting with sexuality. It does not mean any of these things at all. It simply means that they are attracted to both males and females. Why is that so difficult for people to accept?

The sad thing is, I've even heard these comments within the LGBT community. There's a lingering idea that those who are bisexual do not deserve the same amount of attention within the community. People who identify as bisexual seem to be labelled as gay/lesbian if in a relationship with someone of the same sex. This is not fair or right in any way.

Why can't someone be attracted to both genders? Why can't someone have no interest in any gender? It is not up to others to tell people what their sexuality is. We, as individuals, are the only ones who have a right to define our own sexuality. That is, if we choose to do so.

Graduation - reflections on uni life...

So yesterday, I graduated from the University of Reading with a 2:1 in History & Philosophy. Despite having to deal with depression, eating disorder recovery, anxiety and various family problems, I am officially a graduate. I'm very proud of myself! University was a bit of a crazy experience for me...

First year - I drank far too much but did some work! Living in halls is an experience I would never trade, it was amazing. But also, awful. Lots of rumours were spread about me, something I had never experienced before. I thought adults were above that. It taught me that no matter how old you are, there will always be bullies. There will always be people who act like children. That's okay though. I learnt about the value of hard work. I met lots of people, some of which I remained friends with, some of which I never spoke to again. Your first year is for experiences and learning and growing, use it.

Second year - I finally had a solid group of incredible friends around me, something I had never had before. We probably went out too much and drank too much but I felt like I was happy! I definitely had a lot of fun and also worked really hard. My attendance in lectures was much better than first year. Towards the end of the year, things went a bit wrong. I was very close to being sectioned and found it very difficult when nobody seemed to be around to support me when I needed them the most. I learnt that drinking to cover up problems was dangerous. Hard work really does pay off! It all taught me that people do find it really fucking difficult to be friends with someone who is emotionally unstable so those who stick around are special.

Third year - drinking less, working more. That's the way my final year went. Eating disorder recovery became more of a struggle but I dealt with it. Being in a happy relationship really helped with everything. I struggled with friendships but eventually got it all sorted. I missed one lecture all year due to illness. I still had lots of fun with friends without drowning my sorrows. IT ALL PAID OFF!

University was the best and worst 3 years of my life. I would not change any of it for the world because it taught me so much and gave me so much more confidence in myself. But mostly, I met some amazing people that I hope will be friends for a long time. Importantly, I did not let my mental health problems stop me from achieving something huge! Now it's time for being an adult...

BST Hyde Park - 05/07/14

Everyone who knows me knows that I am crazy about The Libertines. I've seen Peter, Carl 3 times, Babyshambles and BST was the first chance I've had to see The Libertines live together on stage. I was so excited, it was meant to be a great day.

When we arrived, we went to see Darlia who were pretty good. Then we watched The Enemy for a bit, a bit boring. After that, we had planned to see the likes of Wolf Alice and Swim Deep. But, the stages they were on were FAR too small. I have never been to a festival where there are literally queues of people trying to get into a stage. Quite frankly, there were just too many people at the event.

So we decided to sit by the main stage and wait for The Libertines. They were, after all, the reason we were there. In the mean time, we saw Maximo Park (average at best), Spritualised (boring as hell) and The Pogues (really good.) We were near the front of the crowd, where I usually head to at gigs. I've never had a problem before but, just my luck that on the day of seeing my favourite band live for the first time, everything goes wrong.

There was a lot of pushing and shoving going on which is always inevitable. But, this was on a whole other scale. The band stopped playing half way through their first song to tell the crowd to calm down and move back. The crowd ignored this. They stopped again as I was being pulled out the crowd. I had been pushed over and had about 15 people land on top of me. I'd been punched in the stomach earlier as well. I then proceeded to have a panic attack. I was sent away, along with other injured people, without any care or help. It was a shambles. I even saw a girl who had clearly taken too many drugs... her eyes were wide open but she couldn't move. It was scary.

Once my panic attack subsided, I stood near the back and watched a couple more songs. We soon had to leave though because it seemed that everywhere we went there were fights breaking out. So why so much chaos? Well, there were far too many people there which was obvious from the queues outside smaller stages. Unfortunately, The Libertines seem to have attracted a following of people who go to gigs to cause trouble. There seemed to be people there just to take drugs and get drunk rather than for the music. If only there was a way to make sure ticket buyers actually cared about the music!

Basically, the music was as great as I expected and I'm glad I saw them, albeit briefly. Maybe I shouldn't have been at the front of the crowd but I have never ever had a problem before. I have never ever seen anything like this chaos. I now have tickets for their show at the Ally Pally in September, hopefully that will be a bit nicer with less people.

And everyone: remember that you do not have to be violent, drunk, high or act like a dickhead at gigs in order to get a good view/have a good time. Watch out for fellow crowd members! We've all paid to be there and have a good time, it's only fair we all get to.

BPD and relationships

I have been with my boyfriend for a year now, we've just moved in together and are very happy. Our relationship didn't start in a conventional way... I was in an episode of mania due to a screw up with medication dosage and he was off his medication. So it was a bit of a whirlwind. But it settled and although our relationship is not perfect, we're very much in love and happy. I'm not just writing this to make all you singletons feel bad! I'm writing this because my boyfriend also has Borderline Personality Disorder and this is often said to make relationships difficult. I want to give an example of someone with BPD who is in a healthy relationship to show that if someone you like has this illness, it can work!

What exactly is BPD? Well, it's a mental illness with a wide range of symptoms. It's a mood disorder which also affects how someone interacts with others. Some symptoms include feelings of anxiety, depression and anger. Those with BPD often abuse drugs or alcohol or use self harm to manage their feelings. BPD sufferers can also experience hallucinations and hearing voices. It often results in impulsive behaviour such as self harm or binge drinking. So it's a lot of horrible stuff that those dealing with BPD have to cope with. I am going to focus on relationships here though.

BPD can often make it difficult for a person to maintain a relationship. Those diagnosed sometimes have a deep fear of abandonment so they will appear to be very clingy, perhaps they will constantly phone you or not want to leave your side. Those with BPD tend to experience moments of 'leave me alone' towards their partner followed by 'please don't leave me.' People with BPD have very black and white thinking, there is no grey area to them. Either a relationship is wonderful and perfect or it is terrible and will fall apart.

All of this unfortunately can lead to break ups and there are many comments across the internet warning people not to start relationships with someone who has BPD. However, relationships with a BPD sufferer can still be great! How is this? Well, it takes a lot of work but here's some advice:

1. Understand the condition.
Learn to identify the symptoms in your partner. Know everything you can about BPD, its causes and treatments. The internet is full of information and if in doubt, talk to your partner about it. But, do not constantly remind them of their problems. They are aware of them and think about them every day. Do not point out every time they act in a way that reflects their BPD.

2. Encourage your partner to get treatment.
If they are not already, treatment will be necessary for them to live a fulfilled life. Go with them to the doctor, be there every step of the way. Medication or therapy, just reassure them that you will be there to help. With treatment, their condition will be easier to manage and so will your relationship.

3. Tell them you love them every day.
People with BPD often need a lot of reassurance. Something as simple as 'I love you' could calm their fears that you are going to leave them.

4. Know that sometimes they do not mean what they do/say.
This is the case with many mental illnesses. A person is more than their mental illness, much more. But sometimes their illness might take over and someone with BPD could, for example, be quite aggressive when shouting at you. They will feel terrible afterwards. Accept that it is not their fault, talk through it and move on.

5. Talk to them and be honest.
Communication is so important with BPD. Letting a partner know how you are, that you care about them etc is important in any relationship but particularly those with BPD. They may often feel worried and anxious that the relationship is going badly, talk things through with them no matter how difficult it might be to understand. If they have done something to upset you, do not just tell them it's okay because they have mental health issues. Be honest with them about it. That will help them learn what others see as right/wrong.

6. Keep your promises.
If you tell them you will do something or be somewhere then do it! If you don't, that person will find if difficult to trust you in the future. A lot of mentally unwell people are like this but it is more extreme for those with BPD.

7. Let them be an adult.
Many symptoms of BPD like anger fits and acting impulsively may seem quite child like. However, you should not make the mistake of treating them like a child. They are still responsible for their actions even if it was their BPD symptoms taking over. If they smash a door, they sort it out. If you always fix things like a parent/child then they will not see a reason to change.

Also, there are some great things about having a partner with BPD:

• They can love fiercely and completely
• They are passionate
• They have been through difficulties so will understand yours

Basically, it is possible for someone with BPD to have a good relationship! Do not think that because the internet is full of horror stories that your experience will be the same. It could be amazing. We should not be teaching people to avoid relationships or friendships with those suffering from mental health problems. Relationships are something which both people have to work on together. This is just advice for anyone who is in a relationship with a BPD sufferer to let you know it does not always have to be bad. Mentally ill or not, those in relationships of any kind deserve mutual love, care and respect.